What's Bugging Me Today

Low Expectations

2010-11-27T10:18:00.001-05:00

I went to a conference for students this week and one of the options was a tour to an outdoor location. This conference attracted students from all over the province, so on the tour there were about 25 students from many different boards. The tour involved a bus ride of about half an hour, followed by a guided walk-through of a very interesting new technology that took about 15 minutes. We then got back on the bus for a 15 minute question-and-answer session before the ride back to the hotel. In short, the tour was about 90 minutes long in the middle of what would otherwise have been a normal school day. I should also mention that it was chilly and raining lightly, so the 15 minute outdoor part was less than ideal.

On the bus ride to the tour location, a group of six students from the same school took up residence at the back of the bus and laughed loudly, and told profanity-infused stories about terribly inappropriate things while their very young teacher supervisor sat in the front seat and looked out the window. At that point, I figured I'd give the new teacher a break and try to control my judgement. It was probably her first field trip and she likely hasn't found her stride in asserting herself.

Then we got off the bus and the tour began. Once again the teacher distanced herself from her group and they started to talk instead of listening to the guide. After other teachers shot their trademarked teacher glares, young teacher went over to the students and and said that they "were making her look bad, and could they pleeeeeassse stop it?" all the while mugging a cutesy look of disapproval.

Then the students began a loud ritual of throat clearing and spitting. At that point, no longer able to withstand the display, I went over to the students and asked who was supervising them, because while students may behave badly and be disrepectful of their teachers, they will also protect them. They motioned to their teacher, and she noticed the exchange. Just as I suspected, their behaviour improved - the simple plan worked. The remaining few minutes of the tour were much more enjoyable, until the teacher approached me and said "I'm sooooooo soooorrrrrry about that!" as though speaking to her best friend. She then continued with "I think they're doing pretty well, considering they have to be outside in this crappy weather. I'm soooooo cold!" We were walking toward the bus by this point, and she scooted to the front of the group so she could get back on first. On the bus ride back, the students behaved just as they had on the way there.

I was dumbfounded. That 15 minutes said so much to me about where we are at, and I rode the bus back to the hotel with thoughts swirling in my head.

1) If not on this tour, the students and teacher would have been in school. Attending a field trip is a privilege for all parties. If we consider a field trip that involves 15 minutes of light rain a hardship, we are in serious trouble.

2) I'm not sure what the connection is between unfavourable weather and bad manners, but apparently we can justify behaving poorly (the students) and being bratty (teacher) if conditions are less than perfect. I see this as a serious problem today - the slightest of inconveniences are considered a good reason for failing to meet expectations.

3) At one point in time, people felt shame and were moved to change by it. The teacher was obviously so confident in her approach that even the disapproval of an older member of the tribe did not faze her. She cared enough to address the problem by saying she was sorry, but she didn't change her approach at all. If this same thing had happened to me ten years ago, I would have felt terrible and been bugged for days. I'm quite certain her only thoughts were that I was an unfair, judgy sort of person who needs to lighten up, and I'd guess even those thoughts were fleeting.

4) Teachers need to be militant in their commitment to high expectations. Without high standards we allow our young people to progress with mediocre attempts, and they will bring these habits into the workforce.

I feel much better having posted this, but I'm still worried.

Who was the one bad kid that ruined the others?

2010-09-27T18:24:00.000-04:00

I work with young folks in my job, and sometimes they do things their parents don't like. Once things start heading off the rails, a meeting is called. Now that I'm old and crabby and have chaired a number of these meetings, I would respectfully like to submit that the phrase "fell into a bad crowd" be forever removed from the English language.

Who was the one bad seed that started this whole chain? Did this Miscreant Zero systemically seek out a comrade, brainwash them and bring them to the dark side? Did the pair become a trio, then a quartet, and so on? If so, the methods of these rascals should be taught to the highest levels of intelligence, because they seem to be terribly effective AND best of all, the brainwashee DOESN'T SEEM TO MIND ONE BIT. In fact, all signs suggest that they relish their new edgy lifestyle.

Can we start being a little more honest and realistic when our youths disappoint us? For whatever reason, they were attracted to hanging with kids that make poor decisions, and wanted to make some bad decisions themselves. Deal with it - your kid made a mistake (or many), and blaming some other kid isn't the answer. Start talking, keep better tabs on them, and don't be afraid to have the kid hate you for a bit.

No room in the fridge.

2010-02-15T11:00:00.000-05:00

Lunchbox technology has come a long way since the days of my Punky Brewster little-plastic-suitcase-with-a-matching-thermos combo. Today's lunchboxes are sewn from fabrics capable of withstanding a 50-year storm, in a variety of stylish prints. Open them up and you'll find layers of insulation and a shiny silver liner that keeps the leaks in. Many also come with small freezer packs that fit into mesh pockets. This obsession with refrigeration makes me wonder if my mom was trying to kill me by putting a tuna-fish sandwich in an uninsulated lunchbox that spent the morning in my schoolbag on a hook at the back of the classroom.

Every weekday morning I attempt to put my single plastic container of leftovers in the office fridge, and am bugged like hell to find that every last bit of space is occupied by massive insulated lunch bags. What the hell? Isn't the point of the insulated lunch bag to keep your lunch cool where refrigeration is not available? Why both? Why can't these people take the part of their lunch that needs to be kept cold out of the bag?

As always, I suspect this is a situation that could be solved if the perpetrators experienced the inconvenience. Perhaps this week I'll use huge containers in a huge bag for my leftovers, and arrive at work early enough to ensure some shelf space.

Ecosins and Ecoguilt

2009-11-22T19:15:00.000-05:00

What's bugging me today is me, because I'm suffering from ecoguilt. My school switched to a Kuerig coffee maker this year and I committed an ecosin and signed up. Every day after lunch I enjoy a cup of coffee to go with whatever I bought at the latest bake sale fundraiser, and get a little pang of ecoguilt as I toss the little plastic K-cup. The worst part of it all is that it's probably one of my favourite moments of the day, because damn that coffee is good. It's so unbelievably good that I think about it all morning. It's so perfectly tasty that I occasionally consider committing an even worse ecosin and get a Kuerig for my home.

I can't buy a Kuerig for my home. I abhor single servings and overpackaging. I buy goods that are more expensive but use less packaging because I think it's important to back responsible companies. I can't buy a Kuerig for my home because the ecoguilt would slowly kill me.

But here's what's bugging me the most. Sometimes I get a little down about all of this ecostuff, because it's easy up here in Canada to be like me - making responsible decisions and honestly feeling like I'm making a difference. I live where good things are happening - the government backs green projects and nearly everybody recycles and composts. But then this summer I travelled to Hawaii and was shocked to find out there was no curbside recycling program. A friend recently returned from living in metropolitan Australia and reported the same.

What? Am I looking at the world through green-coloured glasses? Here I am reading labels in an attempt to make the best environmental decisions, spending more money to buy responsibly, dutifully rinsing recyclables, fretting about using a little plastic cup each day, and there are G8 nations who don't have widespread recycling programs? What the hell is the world going to do when the 2.5 billion BRICians currently stretching at the blocks are officially in the race to consume? Is my unwillingness to buy a Keurig coffee maker the equivalent of bailing the Titanic with a K-cup? Am I really making a difference, or just making myself feel good?

I suspect deep down I know the answer, but I'm choosing to ignore it. It can't hurt, right?

Facebook: You're in or you're out.

2009-09-07T09:11:00.003-04:00

I'm increasingly bugged by Facebook snobbery. I'm on Facebook, I like it, and I'm not ashamed of it. I find it a fun way to keep up with folks, share information and see what's going on with my favourite causes/bands/businesses. It doesn't rule my world and hasn't replaced every activity I used to do pre-Facebook.

Yup, it can be frustrating. I don't like everything I come across, just like I don't like everything I come across in the non-Facebook world. I don't understand Mafia Wars, but I don't understand Nascar either. I get annoyed at status updates, but I also get rankled at staff meetings.

It's become quite popular to trash Facebook, to proclaim how it's narcissistic, lame and boring, and sniff at users for their pedestrian tastes. If you're in this group, fine, I'll objectively listen to what you have to say once you've permanently deleted your account and sworn on whatever you believe in that you'll never, ever, visit the site or peek at what others are up to through a friend's profile.

As far as I'm concerned, if you have an account you're lurking around. I know you're there. I know you check status updates and pictures and get a little rush when your old high school flame sends you a message. Just because you don't update your status, post items or play Mafia Wars doesn't make you any less a user, and doesn't give you the right to publicly opine on those who do.

Put up or shut up. If you truly don't use Facebook, make it so. I bet you'll miss it.

Here we go again...

2009-08-11T18:49:00.002-04:00

Another case of the you's:

Tom Brady says of having a child out of wedlock, "That's not how you envisioned your life, that's not how you envisioned having children, but it happens. Life is not living in the suburbs with a white picket fence. That's not life. Somehow our American culture has made it out that that's what life needs to be-and that if it's not that, it's all screwed up. It's not. You go through life and you try the best you can." (JustJared)

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH! This drives me (not you) nuts. In my (not your) crabby little world this is how it should read:

Tom Brady says of having a child out of wedlock, "That's not how I envisioned my life, that's not how I envisioned having children, but it happens. Life is not living in the suburbs with a white picket fence. That's not life. Somehow our American culture has made it out that that's what life needs to be-and that if it's not that, it's all screwed up. It's not. I go through (my) life and try the best I can."

There, that's better. No projection onto me.

We'll do something once somebody dies.

2009-08-11T00:47:00.002-04:00

Bro and I were out for a spin yesterday and witnessed four people who could have safely stopped at a yellow light speed on through. The two cars in front were probably legal, but the two behind them were definitely entering the intersection when the light turned red.

A cop was stopped at the cross street and did nothing, and there was no way he didn't notice.

Blowing red lights is epidemic in these parts, and has been for years. I'm convinced a minivan full of toddlers getting t-boned is the only thing going to change the level of enforcement, and the only thing that will change poor driving habits is enforcement. Whatever happened to governing oneself in the interest of public safety?

Until then, I'll continue to look both ways and creep into intersections once the light turns green, and give dirty looks into the rearview mirrors of the assholes, because I'm behind the stupid fools at the next light. Good thing you raced there, fuckwit.

No thank you, I'm not interested. Once again, thanks for the offer, but no thanks.

2009-07-06T19:10:00.003-04:00

I moved (again, sigh) recently, which meant I had to call a bunch of folks to update my address. I was so pleased to reach a pleasant human being in every case. What bugged me is that the end of every call was marred by some sort of special offer that I was made to feel crazy for not considering. Balance transfers for 0.9%. Identity theft protection for $17 a month. Balance protection insurance for 1.2% of what I owe. Accidental death or dismemberment insurance for $2 a month.

In every case, the person on the other end was so kind and polite that I found myself listening to their entire spiel, all the while knowing that I wouldn't be buying. It made me feel so bad, and it got me wondering what call centre workers prefer - would they rather I hang up or bluntly say no, because I'm just wasting their precious time?

It bugs the crap out of me that the worthiness of these workers is partly based on their success rate. It makes me feel badly to say no. One time I outright asked the girl (Suzy, who was exceptionally nice) if she would personally benefit if I said yes, and be negatively affected if I then cancelled the policy after the initial 30 day grace period. She said yes to the first question, and no to the second, because I would be dealing with the insurance company from that point forward. That's the case with most of these things, the person on the other end is hawking the goods but unrelated to the company. I said yes.

I guess I just delayed being rude, because in 26 days I'll be calling to cancel my newly purchased unnecessary life insurance, but at least it won't be Suzy. I'm also going to tell whoever I speak to exactly what I did, and explain that if they are going to market by phone, I'm going to waste their time with signups and cancellations within the grace period.

Economic recovery? I hope not yet.

2009-07-03T13:57:00.003-04:00

The news is reporting some cautiously hopeful predictions that the economic clusterfuck of the past 10 months is starting to heal, and I hope this isn't the case. Remember early 2008? We had lost our minds. People could affordably drive their Hummer to Costco to wander the aisles and buy whatever item scratched their itch for more stuff. Many of the teens I work with hadn't had a bad day in their lives. The environment? Merely a lovely backdrop whizzing by while ripping around on a jet ski.

Things haven't hurt badly enough yet. We need to feel the pain a little longer if there's going to be any lasting change in our ridiculousness. Our grandparents were thrifty because they remembered the Great Depression, and maybe we need a little of that bitter pill. Our teens are particularly malnourished in economic realities and have boatloads of style available for cramping.

I remember the early 90's when it was tough to get a decent part-time job. I was grateful when I found one and knew I needed to work my ass off to keep it. In the past few years I've heard of local employers who have to put up with workers who blow (multiple!) shifts, because a sometimes-present, partly-trained worker was better than nobody at all. The help wanted sign was perpetually in the window of fast food restaurants and dollar stores.

We cannot breed a generation of reasonable people with an acceptable work ethic in the economic frat party of the past ten years, and so I hope things pinch a little more - at least another year. Nobody is going to starve to death, and there will be many opportunities to learn about REAL economic decision making. Less Mexico or Cuba, more boat gas or food. Want an unlimited cell plan, little one? Mommy lost her job, so hit the bricks. Show up on time in a proper uniform with a smile on your face, and keep your eye on your paycheck.

Ten years from you and this country will be better for it, I promise.

Selling gifts.

2009-05-18T16:42:00.002-04:00

My workplace classified ad system has me all riled up again. It's like a used baby goods clearing house some days, and it bugs the crap out of me because I know that some of the things up for sale were given as gifts.

What the hell?

Nobody would ever publicly sell a wedding gift, so why is it acceptable to sell baby stuff? It just doesn't seem right to me.

Petty crime on the rise.

2009-05-16T16:42:00.003-04:00

Awhile back my good buddy's car was broken into. Her cell phone was stolen and an attempt was made to steal the car, causing damage to the ignition. Some background details are important - she lives in a great neighbourhood and her car was in her driveway. The police were called, a report was filed and the officer said he'd get back to her. When my buddy called to cancel her cell, the call history showed that the crooks called the same business a number of times within a half hour of having stolen the phone, and then stopped using it.

So buddy calls the police officers right away to tell them this information, about four hours after the break-in would have occurred. The response of the police officer was "I'm not just going to go down to [the business] and start asking people questions," and then something along the lines of it being a waste of time because "these investigations never go anywhere."

What? Isn't following leads and asking questions exactly what police officers do? Is it acceptable for an officer to willingly acknowledge that crimes go uninvestigated? Are we just supposed to throw our hands up in the air and accept petty crimes?

About two weeks later the local newspaper reported that after a rash of vehicle break-ins in all parts of the city, police were advising residents to lock their cars and keep all valuables out of sight. To be fair, both are probably good preventative measures, but it still bugged the hell out of me. I'm supposed to keep all my shit locked up and out of sight to keep robbers from stealing it, because the police aren't going to do anything anyway.

I realize the police officer spoke the truth about investigations not going anywhere. He likely would have gone down to the business, asked some questions, and gotten nowhere because whoever took the calls kept their trap shut. But then maybe that person would tell their petty criminal buddy about the visit from the cops, which might scare the little bugger a bit and make him think twice about doing it again. I know this is a big maybe, but at least it's a possibility. What I know for sure is that if somebody gets away with something once, they'll do it again. We humans are a selfish lot who are unlikely to change our behaviour until we fly a little too close the sun and get burned.

What bugs me the most is that people in this town speed like crazy, don't stop until lights are red, and block intersections constantly because there is next to no police presence on the roads. Which makes me wonder--if petty crimes go uninvestigated and traffic infractions aren't monitored, what the hell ARE the police doing?

Using "you" instead of "I".

2009-05-02T14:28:00.002-04:00

This pattern of speech bugs the crap out of me and is spreading almost as fast as H1N1. Here are some examples:

"I do three columns. I do all automotive stuff. And then I'm on the road (doing stand-up comedy) 160 days. I think it's one of those deals where you just kinda got worn out." - Jay Leno

"I'm a partnership person, and if something happens your instinct is to share it—but you're no longer part of a couple. I definitely miss that. It's sort of like Bambi—like you're trying to learn how to walk. You're a little awkward; you stumble a little bit. The things you would do with your partner, you don't do. It's uncharted territory, but I think it's good for me to be a solo person right now. You're forced to re-discover yourself and take it to another level. If you can find a way to see the glass half full, these are the moments when you learn the most. I've had to re-introduce myself to myself in a way that's different." - Jennifer Aniston, in the famous Vanity Fair interview

My male bud at work and his wife just had a baby . He said, "You don't realize how exhausting (giving birth) is, what women have to go through."

In each of these cases both "you" and "I" are used interchangeably, but using "I" works just as nicely, and doesn't somehow project the speaker's experience onto me. I don't get worn out Jay, you do. And Jennifer, I'm not learning how to walk or being forced to rediscover myself, you are. Work buddy, I am fully aware that pushing a nine pound kid out of a space that's pretty tiny in my unpregnant body would be exhausting.

Facebook status updates.

2009-02-14T07:32:00.002-05:00

I think Facebook is pretty great. I moved a lot and I've gotten back in touch with tons of people through it, so on balance having an account has been a good thing. I usually don't post stuff so close to home, but this is nagging at me like papercut. It's been a banner week for Facebook status updates that bug me. Here's a list:

1) One person, who happens to be pregnant, changed her relationship status to single. A bunch of her friends commented that they were wondering what's going on, could they do anything, asking when they could come by, etc. Pick up the goddamned phone, people. If you must carry it out on Facebook, send a message.

2) A major layoff occurred in my town this week, and someone's status was "is glad her hubby doesn't work in (that industry)." How very fucking sensitive of you, fool. Karma is a bitch, so be careful.

3) Another person came home from the big city for the long weekend, and proceeded to update her status every three hours about how much she hates her hometown. I'm mulling over a comment that suggests she get back in her car and head back to the city. Seriously, keep it to yourself, ass.

4) Another person has lived his divorce out loud through status updates. It's so painful to see, but clears things up about why she asked for the divorce.

5) Another person announced the birth of someone else's child. Ummm...shouldn't the parents be doing that?

6) More and more often, I'm seeing people post passive-aggressive stuff like "wishes that some people she works with weren't so (nosy, stupid, lazy, etc.). Many of these people work in places with 10 or fewer employees.

Put all together like this, it's kind of making me wonder about my friend list. Might be time to cull the herd.

Irresponsible journalism.

2009-01-25T19:36:00.004-05:00

There was an incident near my home yesterday. The police had the entire street blocked off, many forensic vehicles parked outside, and officers were going from house to house talking to residents. This morning the local newspaper reported on the incident, including the address, and then stated that according to a reverse address search on the Internet, the resident of the home was Firstname Lastname. The police hadn't released any information at this point.

The article then stated that the resident of the home was a member of local community organization, and had a quote from the person in charge of the group regarding when she had last seen the resident alive. So basically this reporter got the address, did a reverse lookup, googled the name, came up with the community group and called the organization to get more details - all likely without any idea who the police had informed about anything up to that point.

What if the investigation didn't directly involve the resident at all? What if she went away for the weekend, and had the neighbour's kid come over to feed her cat? What if the teenager then had a few friends over, one of whom accidentally overdosed on street methadone? What if the resident's great aunt reads the news, and sees her beloved relative's name in an article alluding to a homocide? What if the police hadn't been able to reach anyone in the resident's family?

I'm bugged by the reporter, and I'm bugged that the woman from the community group spoke to the media, all before any official statement was made. Sadly, the police reported a couple hours later that the resident was indeed the victim - but that's who I wanted to hear it from.

One bad mandarin...well it doesn't spoil the whole bunch, but it is annoying.

2008-12-06T17:47:00.007-05:00

One of my favourite parts of the holiday season is the arrival of cardboard boxes of individually wrapped mandarin oranges (or "Christmas oranges" as they're known in my house). God I love those little buggers. Once I ate about 15 in a day and found out that's way too many.

I pick up the box and turn it this way and that, carefully inspecting for signs of rot seeping through the cardboard. I'm not one of those a-holes who opens the box, roots through it and then fills it only with good oranges from the other open boxes that other a-holes have left behind (seriously - who are these people? Does the produce guy have the right to kick them out of the store?).

Anyhoo, even though I check each box carefully, I'm at once amazed and bugged to unfailingly find that the mandarin at the bottom of the back of the case is rotten. And not just a little moldy, it has decomposed into black mush that has seeped onto its mandarin neighbours. The location and state of this rotten mandarin is shockingly consistent, and every other orange in the box is always fine (save for the coating of goo).

I'd like to propose a solution to the Yuantou State-Owned Reclamation Farm of Guangxi. During packing, instead of putting a mandarin at the bottom of the back of the case, put a wad of wrappers or an old tennis ball.

(Image from http://mydinnertable.typepad.com/home/2007/12/index.html)

The Dumbing Down of Jeopardy

2008-12-04T13:40:00.003-05:00

The answer to Final Jeopardy the other night was "Cap'n Crunch."

I. find. this. annoying.

2008-11-09T07:03:00.002-05:00

I know the Internet has bred a slew of new language conventions, but this business of putting a period after every word for emphasis bugs the hell out of me. Here's an example, taken from the comments of an article on jezebel.com:

"Sarah, some advice: If you really want the media to leave you alone, don't. talk. to. them."

I think I can't get past sacrificing the capital after the period for a mere teaspoonful of emphasis.

Angelina flaps her puffy lips again, and more stupid stuff comes out.

2008-10-19T16:37:00.002-04:00

Angelina Jolie is bugging the hell out of me. Here's what she said in an interview with New York magazine article week:

Asked when she thinks her children will be able to watch Mr. + Mrs. Smith, Jolie states, "Not a lot of people get to see a movie where their parents fell in love."

What a selfish, bitchy woman you are, Angie. You know full well the media shitstorm that's going to result from saying this crap. It's just mean, and strikes me as a very calculated way of squeezing every last bit of publicity from something that happened three years ago. Everybody, including Jennifer Aniston, knows what happened. Angelina, if you're the big-hearted humanitarian you purport to be, why do you feel the need to continue publically humiliating your lover's ex? Can't you have the good grace to keep your trap shut?

Angelina has a history of contradictory statements and behaviour. She's a UN ambassador but makes extremely violent movies and held a war game-themed birthday party for Maddox. She claimed she and Brad were just friends on the set, but now says they fell in love. She said she wouldn't have biological children, since then she's had three. She says she doesn't steal husbands, but didn't seem to have a problem hooking up with Billy Bob and Brad. Hey Angie, if you can't get keep your stories straight, try keeping the stories to yourself - it is an option.

What bugs me most of all is that Angie never seems to get called on this crap because she's stunning and charismatic. She's like the ultra-popular kids in high school who learned they could get away with obscenely bad behaviour because nobody ever took them to task. God how I would love to see Angie being interviewed by Katie Couric Palin-style.

RIP, civility.

2008-10-10T20:34:00.004-04:00

It's been a banner week for incidents that bug me.

Last Saturday I was at the grocery store and a guy, probably in his early 20's, walked by me while talking on his cell phone. He was talking in a loud enough voice that anyone in a 15 foot radius (at least 10 people) could hear every word. As he walked and talked he said, "Yeah, I'm just at the store now. I was at (firstname lastname)'s house today. We fucked like four times...I know! It was crazy. Anyway, I'll be there soon."

Firstname. Lastname. We fucked like four times. I could NOT believe it. This is a small town! What the hell are you thinking? I couldn't control my response and looked at him with a shocked and disgusted face. He didn't seem the list bit fazed, just sort of smirked. I still can't believe it.

I work at a school. On Tuesday I went back to work at about 6 pm to pick up some stuff I'd forgotten. A soccer game was just ending and a player from the visiting school was leaving with his parents. Here's the setup. The four of us were walking out the front entrance - father in front, son about 6 feet behind him, mom just behind the son, and me about 15 feet behind her. The son had an empty paper coffee cup in his hand, and the mother was chiding the father for having given the son caffeine, because he wouldn't sleep that night. The kid said, "yeah dad, it's your fault I won't get up tomorrow!" and then THREW the empty cup at his dad's back. They all laughed and the cup hit the floor. It was pretty clear to me that nobody would be picking up the cup. Then the mom saw me coming from behind, and she switched into decent person mode. She stopped laughing and the tone of her voice changed as she said "hey, pick that up!" to her son.

Give me a break. Nobody was picking up the cup until she saw me coming. It was only guilt and shame that made the mom say something. This kind of crap drives me so nuts. I fully expect 14 year olds to throw cups on the ground and not pick them up, they need adults to remind them of the right thing to do. But what if the adults see nothing wrong with the behaviour, unless someone else is watching? What does the kid learn? Plus, what kind of parent laughs when their kid throws garbage at them?

I'm still reeling. Anyone have any similar stories?

Getting dragged down with the greedy.

2008-09-29T08:01:00.005-04:00

I feel so badly for folks in the U.S. who played by rules, used good common sense and are now in a most unfortunate situation.

What if you're a family who saved up a healthy down payment, bought a home within your means, but are now being transferred and need to sell your home? You're probably stuck with a house you can't sell for a reasonable price, and now salt is being rubbed in your wounds as $700 billion of your tax dollars are diverted away from worthy tax expenditures to bail out irresponsible loaners.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not against the bailout as it's the responsible thing to do to instill some confidence in the US economy. What bugs the hell out of me is that it's necessary in the first place. You can't tell me those execs didn't know what they were doing. Surely the possibility of foreclosures crossed their minds, but they went ahead and handed out ridiculous loans to people they knew wouldn't be able to sustain the payments.

I guess what bugs me the most is that the underlying reason for the crisis is because people wanted MORE. The execs wanted more money so they could buy bigger, newer homes and more stuff. The borrowers wanted bigger, newer homes, or second mortgages so they could buy more stuff, so much that they were willing to overlook (or not even understand) the gargantuan risks. Given our voracious consumer culture we need responsible lenders to act like mom and dad - to shake their finger and say NO when we push the financial envelope.

I'm not saying anything that hasn't been said hundreds of times already, but we don't hear enough about the good guys who get dragged through the sty when this stuff happens, and that bugs me too.

To all the salt of the earth sane borrowers out there, my heart truly bleeds for you. Try to stay positive.

I'm an ostrich.

2008-08-26T18:48:00.002-04:00

What's bugging me today is me, because I can be a lazy little plug sometimes.

I have to move in a few days, have had the past SIXTY DAYS off work, and have not done a thing to get ready. Instead, I watched Friends With Money three times in the past four days, sat in the sun, read lots of books, and planned next year's vacation.

2008-08-24T20:54:00.003-04:00

I just got back from my local Shoppers Drug Mart, and behind me in line was a mother and son. The boy, who was about 11, was not wearing shoes, only socks. There was no way his mother didn't notice.

When I see this stuff, I get really bugged. To me, wearing shoes into a public place is a minimum expectation that is fairly easily to meet. Did the mother ask him to wear his shoes into the store, a request he fought, causing her to give up in frustration? Did she simply not see anything wrong with his sock feet?

In either scenario, the kid is learning some bad habits. In the first case, he learns that by being annoying and disrespectful he gets his way. In the second, he learns that obeying social norms is not important. I can just imagine the conversation that would ensue if he showed up in class with no shoes. The teacher asks him where his shoes are, and he says in his locker. The teacher says he must wear shoes, and he responds that his mother doesn't make him wear them, so why can't he go without here? The teacher brings up dress code, the lesson is derailed, the principal gets involved, home is called, and plenty of time is wasted.

I'm not just a crab and blowing things out of proportion, I honestly believe that these little things matter. The kid wears shoes, or he doesn't go into the store. Take him home, drop him off and come back if you need to.

Diapers, shitbags and piss bottles go in the garbage.

2008-08-22T07:48:00.005-04:00

My family has a cottage near a provincial park. After dinner we often go for a walk along the road, and too frequently we find bags of dog poo, bottles of urine and dirty diapers thrown in the ditch. Yesterday we found a bumper crop - two bottles and three diapers.
This doesn't just bug me, it makes me furious.

My guess is the source are people who have spent a few days in a provincial park and are now on their way back to the city. This stretch of road is the last that will see few cars, so I'll bet these folks check to see if the coast is clear, then toss the gross stuff they don't want in their cars for the next few hours. They would never do this in front of other people because it's such a shameful act. It's not the environment they're concerned with, just their reputations.

Do these folks think about it later on and feel badly? Do they wonder years later if the diaper is still in the ditch? Are they too bashful to take a roadside leak? (My predictions of the answers to these questions: probably not, probably not (but it is), and yes, but only bashful about public urination, not about being a selfish ass).

A dirty deed is a dirty deed regardless of the size of the audience.

Even my skin can't get its shit together.

2008-08-17T14:00:00.003-04:00

The junk scientists/advertising gurus are at it again. Turns out I'm suffering from a raging case of epidermal disorganization. An expensive cream made by Vichy should tidy things up, though. Sort of a cellular "Save Us From Our House."

This actually didn't bug me, I got quite a kick thinking about my cells all lying around in messy piles just waiting to be tidied up into neat rows - that's how I picture the process of epidermal organization working. I'll bed the ad execs were laughing their asses off as they wrote this.

It's general admission, so get there early.

2008-08-06T16:22:00.003-04:00

I saw Jack Johnson on Monday in Montreal. I was never much of a fan until a few months back when I found out more about him. Check this guy out, he's got some pretty cool stuff going on. From what I gather, his star has risen far beyond anything he ever dreamed or wanted. I can't imagine what life on a bus in the middle of continents must be like for someone like him. Anyway, he and his wife have started an inspiring initiative, the All at Once community. At every show there's a village green where concertgoers can find out more about what they can do to help the planet. It reminded me of the mentality of the early 90's.

Back to the show. It was at a festival and Broken Social Scene was playing immediately beforehand at the other stage. The crowd had started gathering at the front of the main stage hours before Jack was scheduled to play. I moved up as far as I could 25 minutes before the show and got about 125 feet from centre stage - there were LOTS of people there. Broken Social Scene ended, and suddenly there was in influx of people who had left that show and were now trying to push through the crowd to the front.

My good buddy Sauce and I were having none of it. I was so irritated. We put our elbows up, shifted left and right as needed, and told people they weren't getting through us. The weirdest part is that people seemed shocked by our reaction. It was like they couldn't understand what was wrong with their modus operandi. The usual excuses were given - my friends are up there, I just went to the bathroom, I was here before. One particularly nasty girl snarled "haven't you ever been to a concert before?" as though the increasing prevalence of bad behaviour has made it acceptable.

I can't get over how much this bugs me, because it's so clear to me that there are two rules for general admission shows.

1. If you want to get a spot by the front, get there early.
2. To keep your spot, you have to stay there.

So use your brains and make some plans and sacrifices. You're an adult and probably have a good sense of your liquid intake/output ratio, so watch those pre-show beers if you want to stay at the front the whole time. If you want to see the entire show of the previous act, you're not going to be front and center for the next one - you can't have it all.

After the show I wondered about those folks who pushed their way up. Do they get mad when people push through them? It seems to me that the aggressive/selfish personality that does this sort of thing is also likely to get angry when they themselves aren't treated well.

Worked for me! You should drop out of school too.

2008-07-29T16:46:00.007-04:00

I watched an episode of my beloved Iconoclasts awhile back that featured Laird Hamilton and Eddie Vedder.

At one point Laird made a comment about how he "knew people who had degrees who pump gas for a living" or something along those lines. My impression could have been wrong, but it seemed to me like he was justifying having dropped out of high school. Eddie looked sort of uncomfortable but didn't say much.

Before I continue I need to stress that I'm completely awestruck by Laird Hamilton. I think his athleticism and guts are incredible. Admirable. Totally freakin' awesome. I'm not alone - I'll bet there are legions of kids out there that want to be just like him. They watch his videos endlessly, want to know how he works out, where he lives and what equipment he uses.

Quitting school was probably a good choice for Laird. Genetics and geography were in his favour and he has a boatload of the determination required to succeed in sport. He was destined to spend his life in the water, and the classroom probably wouldn't have done much for him.

Whether Laird wants it or not, what he says matters. If little surfers hear that their hero thinks it's okay to quit school, who knows, they may just do it. Hamilton did it! And look at him now! Fourteen year olds can't process life the same way Laird can as he reflects back on his successes. That's why as an adult and role model, he has a responsibility to toe the line and tell kids to stay in school. His words reach kids whose parents aren't surfers, who don't live on the shores of surf break, or have the looks of a model.

If the lie is too much to stomach, saying nothing would work nicely.

SC Johnson, a family company indeed.

2008-07-28T20:16:00.004-04:00

I'm still mad about the Scrubbing Bubbles shower cleaner and disposable toilet cleaning pads, so I'm setting my crabby sights on SC Johnson. They call themselves "A Family Company" in every ad I hear. What exactly defines a family company?

They have a slick website that states all the wonderful things they're doing for the environment, and I'm happy to read they have made changes to reduce their impact. That's great news.

Eustace Conway said, "Reduce, reuse and recycle are good ideas, but those three concepts should only be the last resort. What you really need to focus on are... reconsider and refuse. Before you even acquire the disposable good, ask yourself why you need this consumer product. And then turn it down. Refuse it. You can."

Just something for SC Johnson, the family company, to consider in their boardrooms the next time they're cooking up a product that uses a ton of resources to automate a task that only requires hands and a little time.

As for consumers, we have a choice. We can clean our showers with old T-shirts and use the toilet brushes that have worked for decades. I'm not aware of any health hazards associated with cleaning it old school, but with the way this stuff is marketed you'd think there were.

At the rate we're using up our stuff, the kids in our families won't have much.

Down in front, Liebovitz.

2008-07-28T19:56:00.003-04:00

So my good buddy Sauce and I were lamenting (okay, bitching and ranting) about the idiots who head to the front of shows to take pictures. I've cribbed some of her thoughts here. We were at the Mariposa festival earlier this month, and during the Sarah Harmer show our view was blocked more than once by fools who came up to the front to take pictures.

It was a sit down show, so these folks were standing DIRECTLY in front of us. And they didn't just take one shot. They would take one, look at it, try again, and again, and again, until finally somebody would shout "down in front!" and then they would turn around, and emote how sorry they were for blocking our view.

I call bullshit on the sorry. You knew we were here, so spare me the mouthed I'm sorrys and sheepish look. You knew exactly what you were doing, and you only feel bad about being called on it. And by the way, that shot you're taking? That's the same shot we'd all like to have on our cameras, but most of us know it's rude. It doesn't pass the test of universality.

And another thing, if it's a night show and you're using your Canon A95 from 25 feet away, you're probably not going to get a good shot. So why bother? If you want a really good shot of the show check online the next day. I guarantee you there's a great pic of the exact show you were at, taken by somebody who knew what they were doing with a camera capable of capturing the moment.

Automate it, chuck it, buy it again.

2008-07-15T10:13:00.005-04:00

We've lost our minds. It seems we no longer have the ability to use our arms with enough vigor to clean our teeth, faces or bathroooms. A medical intervention is needed if we need to go through a shitload of batteries to automate these tasks.

The Neutrogena Wave? Are you kidding me? A battery operated face cleaner with disposable pads. The Scrubbing Bubbles Automatic shower cleaner. A device that uses FOUR batteries and cleans your shower so you can spend your time doing more fun things. The Clorox automatic toilet brush, which is battery operated with disposable pads. What happened to a big jug of cleaner, a cloth, your hands and five minutes?

Inventions like this make me so sad, because they make it so painfully evident how far away we are from any kind of environmental change. There's obviously a market for this stuff if the inventors can advertise during primetime. People are buying them, using them, tossing the batteries and products, and buying more without any thought of where the resources came from and where they'll end up after their short life span.

We need our landfills to be in the middle of cities. Tear down the berms and let the seagulls go nuts so it hurts to see where all this crap ends up. It's easy to live in oblivion if we can't see the consequences.

Alex Cuba (metaphorically) kills one of his own soldiers.

2008-07-07T23:43:00.003-04:00

A few years back I saw Alex Cuba open for Ron Sexsmith in Montreal. The show was great and I've been spreading the news about him since. I should also point out that nobody I've mentioned him to had ever heard of him. My point being, I was a good little foot soldier for Alex.

I was at the Mariposa Folk Festival this past weekend and he played at one of the workshop stages during the day. I was pretty pumped to see him so close up, and I took some pictures of him while he was sitting on the stage waiting for the show to start. I was sitting about 10 feet from him, and it was broad daylight. These details are important because I'm trying to paint a picture of what this wasn't. This wasn't me standing up and blocking everyone else's view while taking the shots, and the flash wasn't an issue.

I took six pictures, and he noticed. Then he put his hand up to his beard like he was scratching, raised his middle finger, and scratched for awhile. Then he shot me a dirty look. I got the message loud and clear.

Here's a quote from a recent issue of Chart magazine that addressed the fleeting nature of success in the music world today.

"Never take those who support you for granted. We've seen fandom up close and it can be mighty scary...but each of those weirdoes is a soldier in your inevitable battle against irrelevance. Love them all."

Alex, you just won a Juno. So did Melanie Doane a few years back. The Internet tells me that she opened for the runner up from Canadian Idol 3 last year, and I certainly don't mean that as disrespect to her or Rex Goudie, but it speaks to the fleetingness of fame.

I've deleted the pictures, and my days of spreading the word are done. I know I'm one small music fan and it probably won't make much difference, but it sure does make me feel better to put my support behind folks like Joel Plaskett and Peter Elkas, who were absolute gentlemen the entire weekend as they posed for pictures with the people who help them live as artists.

Audience 101.

2008-07-01T19:24:00.006-04:00

I just read on the Flight of the Conchords fanpage forum that the boys' shows are being plagued by shoutouts, lewd comments, heckling and the like. Before I continue, lest I be considered a total hypocrite, I must shamefully admit to some bad behaviour a few years back at a Joel Plaskett show. I was a bit toasted, and I saw somebody out the window of the bar that I hadn't seen in awhile, so without thinking I yelled out to him. It was a quiet show and Joel gave me the stinkeye I deserved. I still feel bad about it. Sorry Joel, I'll be at your show this weekend and a model attendee.
Anyhoo, I'll continue with my rant. Audiences these days are OUT OF CONTROL. Constant talking, girls yelling out exactly what they'd like to do the hotties on stage, camera flashes, getting up to get beer, and the list goes on. I was at a Harry Connick show last year where the rhythmically challenged audience insisted on clapping along. To jazz! At the Hummingbird Centre! Ridiculous.

Here's the code of the road for live shows, according to her Royal Crabbiness.

1. Take all the non-flash pictures you like. If you're raising your camera above your head, don't keep it there very long and ruin the view for those behind you.

2. Drink what you want before the show, then bring two to the front. If you need to leave, don't come back.

3. Don't clap unless the band has just done something great, the song has ended, or the band has initiated some sort of clapping rhythm.

4. Don't yell "I want to suck your dick!" to the band. It's trashy. Band members like nice girls.

5. Don't yell what you think the band should do during quiet song moments. They're the boss. And they don't want to play Free Bird, unless they're a Skynyrd cover band.

6. Don't sing along. I paid the bucks to see them. If I wanted to hear you sing their songs, I'd visit your campfire. Addendum: this is okay if the artist likes the huge singalong sort of show. Jack Johnson comes to mind, I read that he likes that stuff.

7. Not every show is a winner. If you're not into it, head to the back instead of checking out and talking to your friends.

8. If it's stand up show and you're tall, do the right thing and let shorter folks in front.

9. Maintain control of your limbs while grooving so you aren't totally knocking people around. A little nudge here and there is acceptable. On a side note, at a White Stripes show last year a guy in a red fleece outfit did a backflip into me, and it was sort of amusing.

Anybody have anything to add to the list?

To be clear, I love a rocking show. I'm not advocating boring, silent crowds, just a little courtesy for the bands and other audience members.

Moulding young minds.

2008-06-22T09:40:00.004-04:00

A few weeks back I was out in the middle of the day on a Tuesday. I pulled into a parking lot where there had obviously been some sort of incident. There were two police cruisers and four officers talking to two men. The two men were gesturing all over the place, explaining what had happened.

As I walked into a store, a man about 35 with a girl about eight were behind me. They had their eyes glued on the scene, and then the dad said to the girl (I'm assuming they were father and child), "Four cops all standing around looking after one accident, collecting their pay. Bet they're off to get a donut next." Then he and his daughter laughed.

I was instantly enraged.

First of all, why is your perfectly healthy child not in school in the middle of the day on a Tuesday? Okay, maybe she had an appointment with a doctor or dentist. But then why didn't she go right back to school? Did Dad feel it was okay to work in a trip to the store along the way back? That's not modelling good behaviour, that shows the kid it's okay to miss school to go to the store. If you want to show your kids the importance of being at school (and later in life, work), you only let them miss when absolutely necessary.

Secondly, you're not modelling proper respect for authority if you bag on the police in front of your kids. This guy just taught his kid that police officers are lazy. No matter how many other people tell that kid that officers have difficult jobs and deserve respect, she will likely defer to her dad's opinion, because that's what kids do. Their parents light the way and form their paradigms. Sure, later in life that kid might learn that daddy was wrong, but how many hardships might she encounter along the way learning the lesson?

Thirdly, I read in the paper later on that the two men had had their vehicle broken into and some pretty valuable stuff stolen. They came out of their workplace and saw the car driving away. What we had witnessed was the two men describing the robbers and the car used in the theft, and the direction they took off when they left the scene. I'll bet old lazy-cop-labeller would be enraged if no less than the SWAT team showed up if a similar incident happened to him.

You are NOT a pregnant man.

2008-06-14T08:14:00.003-04:00

It's driving me crazy that this is in the news again. When a human with a Y chromosome gets pregnant, call the media. Until then this ain't news, it's a pregnant woman.

AIG, you suck.

2008-05-05T23:49:00.005-04:00

I got a letter from AIG Insurance today, one of these mailouts trying to get me to sign up for insurance. Fine, I get it, they're trying to make even more money. It's not enough that their annual report undoubtedly shows they made millions last year, they're rubbing it in my face by mass mailing glossy letters.

What bugged the crap out of me is that this mailout was directed toward women specifically, and the message was basically "Women, are you prepared in the event of an unexpected illness? Will your family be taken care of?" There was a very serious looking woman on the front. Guess what colour was prominently featured? Pink, the colour of breast cancer awareness.

I don't know anyone whose life hasn't been touched by breast cancer. It's an awful illness. Women are terrified of it, particularly if there's a family connection, and they have a right to be. The evidence is there, and AIG knows it. So they hit women where it hurts and send out a mass mailing, reminding us (like we ever forget) that we too, could one day get breast cancer, and we'd better be prepared. Of course, they don't mention breast cancer specifically, but their colour choice connected the dots.

Screw you, AIG. Capitalizing on our fear is disgusting. At least have the balls to come right out and state it.

The dude in charge of my master plan.

2008-05-03T09:19:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I was asked about soul mates, and whether I believed in them, as in the existence of one single person that we are destined to meet and spend our lives with. My answer was no. I believe people can experience a profoundly strong connection that is unlike anything they've experienced before, but the concept of soul mates is ridiculous, not to mention dangerous.

How do all these folks who feel they are with their single destined partner know for sure? It doesn't make any scientific sense; since they stopped looking once they linked up their souls there isn't any evidence to support the non-existence of another (possibly more perfect) mate.

So we'll say that my destiny is all planned out. I was born and somebody else was born and some force mapped out that one day we would meet under the perfectest of circumstances. This master planner must be some smart dude to have been able to see into the future and hatch a plan based on all the changes to come. Did this being predict Internet matchups? Because that's how 1 in 8 folks are meeting their soul mates these days.

Does the guy in charge of aligning souls ever miss an important event like a move or change of jobs and screw things up? I can totally picture it, "Ah, shit, I didn't realize that company would cut a whole department, and now those two won't meet. Damn, I hate it when I drop the ball like that! Oh well, guess it's the singles table and lots of cats for those two."

To be clear, I'm not suggesting the connection between supposed soul mates isn't profound and life-changing. My beef is with the terminology and concept. So no, I don't believe in soul mates, but I do believe in powerful connections that knock you on your ass and change your life. Just don't go counting on some otherworldly being to set it all up for you, nor be too disillusioned with the master planner if things go off the rails.

Gotta have my Timmies!

2008-05-02T17:28:00.003-04:00

For those of you who aren't Canadian, Tim Horton's, or Timmies as it is lovingly called, it a coffee and donut shop. The coffee and food they serve are decent. Not excellent, not unique, but decent and consistent.

Every morning on my way to work I drive past two locations and one gas station that sells only coffee and donuts. The lineup to the drive thru is ALWAYS spilling out onto the street. The morning drive thru actually snarls up the traffic. I find this incredible - I've counted the number of cars in these lineups, and there is room for about ten cars before the lineup reaches the street.

I figure it takes about two minutes to process each order, so this means that if you're one of the people waiting on the street, it's going to be about 20 minutes before you get your coffee. Is this reasonable? Have these folks ever timed themselves making coffee at home? But no, they gotta have their Timmies. It's ridiculous. The coffee isn't THAT good.

And don't even get me started on the number of Timmies cups in the ditches around here. It's a fucking national embarrassment.

Follow up on Smart Lunches

2008-04-30T22:51:00.002-04:00

My bud at work got all fired up about my post on the Schneiders Smart Lunch. Basically, he said I should stop being so judgy until I have kids.

Okay, point well taken. I don't have kids, and I don't know how long it takes to make lunches in the morning. But I was a kid, and had a mom who worked and my brother and I went to school with a lunch every day. Mom made the sandwiches, and brother and I put the rest together. We were part of the equation.

I'd like to throw the net a little wider, though. It's not just the Smart Lunch, it's everything we've invented to make everyday tasks faster. We're saving time all over the place - meals, cleaning products, Internet banking, and the list goes on. But I want to know - what are we doing with all the time we're saving? I suspect surfing the net and watching more television. I guess that's my problem with all the time savers, the societal benefit equation doesn't balance out. The net gain just isn't there. We're ripping through the Earth's resources to spend less time doing tasks we dislike and more time indulging our whims and wants.

Getting back to my work pal - he pointed out other time savers (laundry machines, etc.) and asked if they bugged me too. My answer is no, they don't. I'd argue that the invention of washers and dryers is a major factor that allows two parents to work. The Schneiders' Smart Lunch, however, saves about eight minutes a day (factoring in the time it takes to shop for groceries and prepare lunches). Until I hear a really compelling argument for creating so much garbage to save ten minutes, I'll be anti-Smart Lunch.

They act shitty because you treat them shitty.

2008-04-16T19:42:00.002-04:00

I was in the grocery store (source of many of my woes) the other day, and a teenager was working the checkout. I was in the express line with the smaller conveyor belt. The lady in front of me starts piling up her stuff immediately behind the order in front of her. There wasn't a great deal of room so at the end she put her bread on top of all other stuff, teetering on the edge. When the belt started to move, physics and gravity did their thing and the bread fell off the end onto the floor. The lady looked at the teenager, exasperated, and was all huffy about having to get another one (which I pondered the need for, seeing as it was wrapped).

In no way was the cashier responsible for the bread falling to the floor, and I'll bet if the cashier was middle-aged she would have reacted much differently. I see this shit all the time and it drives me nuts. Earnest thirtysomethings talking in movie theatres, but shushing teenagers. A group of women eating together and laughing too loudly - if it was a table of adolescents they would certainly be asked to leave.

Make life easy, and treat everybody well.

Everywhere I go, it's neti pots and s-shaped poo.

2008-04-16T18:56:00.005-04:00

Everyone around me knows the O bugs me. If you're an O fan, you might want to check out right now.

I don't watch the show (actually, I watched when Jerry Seinfeld was on plugging Bee Movie), but since everyone talks about it I know that Dr. Oz is her new pet project. So this guy comes on, and whatever he says goes. The masses are immediately converted. All turds must be s-shaped, and sinuses must be cleared with saline solution administered through a neti pot. The producers of neti pots rejoice. What a windfall! O gave us the green light!

In these cases, fine. From what I can tell, s-shaped poo is a sign of a healthy colon, and neti is an ancient cleansing practice. No harm done. But what if Dr. Oz goes the route of O's other guru? Remember when Dr. Phil first fixed us all up with his straight talk and southern sensibilities? Have you heard what this jackass is up to lately?

Dr. Oz has his own ideas about things, he's no different from Dr. Scarsdale or Dr. Atkins or Dr. Perricone. He does, however, have the big O behind him, which means his words carry ridiculous power and I hope he takes it seriously.

Schneiders Smart Lunches

2008-04-09T22:27:00.008-04:00

You've got to be kidding me! Now we're too busy to put three things in a bag? Seriously, you need to reexamine your priorities if you're so busy that you can't go to three different aisles in the grocery store, and/or don't have time to put the three items into a lunch box. I don't buy it. That's laziness, not business.

Best of all, Schneiders feebly attempts to ease their troubled environmental conscience by ensuring the bag is compostable, or even better - reusable! At the end of the week you'll have five reusable bags! After two weeks, ten! How handy!

Better than composting or reusing is not buying the damned garbage in the first place. If your kids complain that their lunches aren't hip enough, take a field trip to the town dump and make them hang around awhile.

No need to add letters.

2008-04-08T21:25:00.000-04:00

It's compulsory, not compulsorary.

This drives me freakin' crazy.

All aboard the tv van!

2008-04-05T09:37:00.000-04:00

I was driving through town the other night and saw the glow of a television screen in a minivan. I didn't see any pillows or bags or other signs of a road trip. I get that movies would be a great way to keep kids busy on a long trip, but is this really necessary every time the engine starts? Do kids need to be provided with constant electronic entertainment? Surely kids still like playing I Spy and bugging their siblings.

Junk science

2008-03-31T19:48:00.000-04:00

The word wizards are at it again, my new bottle of mouthwash contains "Whitenol." Is this compound from a chemical group I didn't learn about in science class? I get a real kick out of these scientific names. Whitenol will whiten all of my teeth. B.L. regularis is a bacteria that will keep my bowels light and regular. Pro-Elastyl in my moisturizer will give my skin that tight elastic quality I apparently crave.

Okay, so sciencey names sell products. The marketers are letting me know that the scientists are toiling away in the lab, developing new compounds to make products better. So why do the same marketers also insist on dumbing down the science by calling the bacteria in my mouth "plaque bugs?" THEY ARE NOT BUGS! Why not plaque bacteria? Or just bacteria? Or just plaque?

Calling things that aren't bugs bugs really bugs me.

Have potheads taken over the Weather Network?

2008-03-19T20:02:00.000-04:00

The weather's been all over the place up here in Canada lately. The Weather Network website, previously a source of reliable information, has had some pretty funny shit on there lately. It used to be that extreme winter weather events were forecast in two ways: a winter storm warning, or a freezing rain warning.

Lately, the Weather Network's been mixin' it up. Last week there was a "menacing storm" warning, and the week before a "winter blast" was forecast. What exactly defines a menacing storm? Do the winds utter threats? How much snow falls during a blast? Are blasts more severe, but shorter, than menaces? How many new types of weather events do I need to learn in order to be sufficiently prepared?

Thank you Weather Network writers, I got a good laugh. Now put down the thesaurus and get back to basics.

Stop touching me.

2008-03-07T14:45:00.000-05:00

I like a good hug from my parents or friends. I don't like touching strangers or coworkers. I went to a retirement dinner awhile back where we were instructed to hold hands during grace. I just about burst into flames while touching the hands of the acquaintances on either side of me. That's just me.

If I don't want to be touched, and my body language is telling you that, then stop touching me. And don't you dare act put out - your desire to touch others is exactly the same as my desire not to be touched. There's no right/wrong or good/bad in this scenario. It's not better to be touchy like it's better to be polite. There are lots of things we need to endure because they make society run more smoothly, but being touched isn't one of them. I shouldn't have to put up with your hands on me if I don't want them there.

The grocery store, again.

2008-03-03T18:26:00.000-05:00

A colleague and I were chatting about the things that bug us about the grocery shopping experience. This post addresses our shared grievances. We're thinking about creating a flyer with the code of the road for grocery shopping and handing it out in the entrance.

1. Hey! How are you? What's new?

It's always a treat to run into someone you haven't seen in awhile and chat for a few minutes. That being said, move to a convenient location. Problem: there aren't many of these in a grocery store. Solution: if you see someone approaching who looks like they're interested in an item where you're chatting, adjust your position. Don't seem indignant when I'm trying to get stuff off the shelves of a grocery store while doing grocery shopping. It's the only reason I'm here, please revisit your bent idea of who is inconveniencing who.

2. A new cashier opens.

The next person to be served in the line closest to the newly open cash gets first dibs. The person who is geographically closest is not necessarily the person who has been there the longest. You didn't win the time-savings lottery by virtue of being the person nearest to the new line. You have to wait your turn, just like at the water fountain in kindergarten.

3. Get yer payment out.

So you've been in line for awhile. You've dutifully planned the arrangement of your groceries on the conveyor belt. You watch the prices on the screen as your item goes through the scanner. The cashier tells you how much you owe, and THEN you start fumbling through your purse for your debit card? That makes no sense at all. You know the cashier will be asking for some sort of payment, so get it handy and then watch the prices on the screen.

4. The carts go in the little hut in parking lot.

Society runs smoothly when people follow the rules. I remember a time when there were no huts at all and you had to bring your cart all the way back to the front of the store. Now we have cart return areas, but for many folks this still isn't convenient enough. Those teenaged boys who bring the carts back in don't have time to run around the lot and get every cart. Do your part to keep things running smoothly. A handy hint: plan ahead and park beside the cart return hut. The parking spot closest to the front of the store isn't necessarily the most convenient for the whole shopping trip.

5. Use reusable bags.

A plastic bag will last for ages after their ten minute use from checkout line to your home. Get with the program and invest in some shopping bags. Develop some sort of system for storing them in your car so you'll always have them handy.

6. Eyes up, look around.

Watch where you're going, check your blind spot, wait your turn, stick to the right, and keep your cart out of traffic areas if you have to stop for a moment.

7. A little courtesy.

Smile at the cashier, and wish them a good day. If you're not pressed for time, let the haggard lady with the grouchy kid go ahead of you. Buy a $2 ticket for the quilt fundraiser in the main entrance. Give something to the food bank if you can.

Remind me to...

2008-02-18T20:46:00.001-05:00

It bugs me when people try to rook me into some sort of responsibility by saying "Remind me later to..." If you want to tell me something, remember to tell me then tell me. I once worked for a guy who asked me to remind him in seven hours about something important. Of course, I forgot because it had no relevance to me. Turned out the important thing was actually pretty important, and he gave me shit for having forgotten to remind him. Not fair. I've been gun shy about such reminders ever since. It's gutless. Be responsible for yourself.

When this happens now I usually say "I will not, because that puts the onus on me, and that's not fair." It works quite well, and I think we should all start doing it. Soon enough this nasty strategy will die out like the dodo.

Grocery shopping by committee

2008-02-18T20:28:00.000-05:00

I saw it again today, and it bugs me every time. I should preface this post by stating that I don't have a cell phone or a spouse, so it's quite possible that I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. It's also quite possible that these folks have both talked about it, and are okay with constant interruptions. If that's the case, fine.

I'm in the grocery store, and I see some lady who looks like a perfectly reasonable person that is capable of making good decisions. She's standing in front of the cooler full of meats, looking pensive. She takes out her cell phone to call home and ask "Do we need bacon?" This sends me into a fit of frustration. Just make the damned decision! What would happen if you got bacon and didn't need it? You could freeze it and use it next week. What would happen if you didn't get bacon? You could go without, or head to the corner store. But no, you have to call home. This situation must be solved, and certainly not with just one brain.

This is my problem with the ability to make phone calls anywhere, anytime. It used to be that one spouse would head out to the store, leaving the other spouse with some solo time, which I know I appreciate. In cell phone culture you are never truly free of interruptions. Your partner leaves, but you still need to be on duty. Cell phones have disconnected the decision making function of many people's brains. In the past, folks used to be met with a situation, then use their best judgment, make a choice, then deal with the consequences.

Nope, nowadays we must do things by committee because we can, and the amount of free time you have is determined only by the number of choices that arise in the lives of those who have your number.

The damned weather.

2008-01-28T19:47:00.000-05:00

I feel like I'm about 78 years old, complaining about the weather like I'm about to. A month ago we got a metre of snow. Three weeks ago it rained for two days straight. Two weeks ago we got two significant dumps of snow within 24 hours. One week ago it was 27 degrees below zero. This week it is going to rain for three days.

WTF?

The animals are screwed. They spend their whole lives just trying to figure out what season it is so they know what to do - go underground, turn brown, turn white, sleep, wake up, eat twigs, eat lots now so they won't starve later...they must be so messed up right now. Not to mention what all those icy layers in the snowpack are doing to the natural ventilation systems of the little snow subways that voles use to get around. (Regards, GC! I was listening!)

And don't even get me started on all those ostrich heads who say that global warming isn't happening and that the climate isn't any different. Ask the animals!

Widget now has a meaning.

2008-01-26T18:19:00.001-05:00

Why the hell couldn't those computer geeks have made up or used a different word instead of stealing "widget"? The whole point of the term was that it didn't have a meaning. As someone who has taken and taught economics, I'm crushed. Is nothing sacred?

Quit crapping on McCandless

2008-01-24T21:45:00.000-05:00

Yep, he was naive and likely starved to death because of it. Krakauer's seed and mold theories seem a bit generous, it seems more likely to me that he didn't really understand the territory and just plain starved. The point isn't how he died, it's about the things he read and the ideals he held that drove him away from his family and society and into the bush.

That's why he deserves to have a movie made about him. Books have been written and movies have been made about far less respectable folks, so stop crapping on Krakauer and Penn and get your nose into one of the books that changed Chris McCandless' life.

The caste system

2008-01-23T19:12:00.000-05:00

I was at the grocery store last night and the checkout girl was someone I went to university with. She asked what I was up to, and I told her, to which she responded "Oh so you work with blankety blank. Such great careers, and I'm working here." To which I responded "Yeah, well I'm also putting a butternut squash, curry powder and milk on my Visa, so who's in better shape?" She laughed, then told me about how she had recently moved back to town with her 19 month old son and her fiancee. By the way, if there was ever a couple I would describe as soul mates, it's these two. She had the happiest expression in her eyes and was just like I remember her - fun to talk to, no BS, lots of laughs.

Why the hell did she ruin it all by putting herself down? The goddamn premium that's put on finishing university and getting a great job makes me so fucking mad. Who the hell cares? I wish when you caught up with someone, the first area addressed was happiness.

If you're happy and not hurting anyone, I couldn't care less about your job or house. And don't you dare put yourself down.

If you're there to be entertained, shut yer trap.

2008-01-20T08:24:00.000-05:00

I went to see Cat Power at a music festival last summer. I adore her music, but I was glad to have the chance to see her at a festival where I would be sure to see other acts I liked, given her propensity for onstage meltdowns. I arrived early to be close to the front. The crowd consisted of earnest music lovers who probably subscribe to Harp, girls who look like Lily Allen, and aging stoners who were going to see Steve Miller later that night.

Cat emerged. She sang the first lines of her hit The Greatest. The music lovers and Lily Allen girls audibly sighed. It was emotional and beautiful and reminded me of Sapphire's line at the end of Almost Famous about loving a silly piece of music so much it hurts. The song ended, and Cat started one of her lesser known songs. The music fans remained in the moment created by those first few notes, and two of the Lily Allen girls beside me checked out.

These two girls took out their cells phones and started texting friends, then showing each other the messages and laughing. Then they talked about what they wanted to do later that night. After awhile they weren't evening facing the stage, they were just talking and laughing. I was floored! The crowd was silent otherwise. How could these two girls be so completely unaware of what was happening around them?

I politely asked if they'd consider moving to the back if they wanted to talk. They giggled and rolled their eyes, like they couldn't believe I'd said anything, but they did shut up. The folks standing behind them looked shocked that I'd said anything, which further shocked me. Have we become so oversensitive that we can no longer remind others to be considerate of those around them? Are we all supposed to just seethe and bear it, and then bitch about it someone else later? What good will that do? Was it my responsibility to move, even though nobody else in the crowd was talking?

Then I went to see Juno (again!) yesterday, and there were a group of teenagers a few rows up. About halfway through the trouble started. Texting reared it`s ugly head, licorice was tossed, and girls pretended they were being bugged by boys. Then someone told them to shut up, and they did.

I guess it's because they were teenagers, and because it was dark, but I'm sure nobody was shocked. At what age is it no longer appropriate to publicly set someone straight? As I'm fond of saying, I'm not advocating a society of a-holes. The next time someone is talking at a show or movie and it's bugging you, let 'em know, but don't be an ass yourself about it.

Britney Spears

2008-01-13T09:07:00.000-05:00

Hey media pimps, quit taking this girl's picture - it's completely irresponsible. She clearly as some serious troubles, and you'll all have blood on your hands when this whole shitshow comes to tragic end.

Let the market take care of itself.

2007-12-24T07:54:00.000-05:00

There is a cab crisis where I live. I don't go out often, but when I do I'd like to pay someone to get me home safely. I've walked home the past four times I've gone out, which isn't really safe. When I call for a cab, I have no faith that one will show up. Once I walked around for an hour trying to flag one down. Now I don't even bother calling, I just start walking and hope I don't run into any trouble.

This shouldn't happen. I imagine municipal regulations are the culprit. Let the market decide! If it was lucrative to enter the cab business, someone would do it and we wouldn't all be walking home alone at night.

The Tim Horton's Holiday Cup

2007-12-17T16:10:00.000-05:00

Every year Tim Horton's (Canada's coffee shop, and for some folks an obsession) releases its new holiday cup, usually depicting an undeniably Canadian scene. This year the cups show kids tobogganing, which is an undeniably Canadian thing. Seems like a good choice, except the kids are all wearing helmets.

A couple of years back I had two German teachers stay with me. They were inquisitive about all things Canadian. When I saw the Tim Horton's holiday cup this year, I tried to imagine the conversation I might have had with them about it.

German Teacher 1: So, in Canada, the children wear helmets when they go on the snowy hill? Me: Uh, no. Well, I guess some do, but it's not the norm.
German Teacher 2: The norm?
Me: Uh, well, you know, the usual, the expected thing.
German Teacher 1: So it's not a law that children must wear helmets.
Me: No, definitely not, that would never pass, the public would be outraged because then tobogganing would become an exclusive thing only the privileged could do, like being on a travelling hockey team or a competitive skier. The poor families wouldn't be able to afford helmets; it would be very unpopular.
German Teacher 2: So, if I was at a sliding hill, what percentage of children would have helmets?
Me: Uh, probably two percent.
German Teacher 1: Then why would the coffee company put the kids in helmets on the cup?
Me: Well, because it's probably better to toboggan with a helmet on than without. It's safer. If Tim Horton's showed children without helmets, the public would be outraged. It would be viewed as reckless and irresponsible of them to promote tobogganing without a helmet; it would be very unpopular.
German Teacher 2: Didn't you say it would be unpopular for helmet use to be mandatory?
Me: Yes.
German Teacher 1: And most children don't wear helmets.
Me: That's right.
German Teacher 2: But you still need to show the kids in helmets, even though almost nobody actually does this in reality, and nobody wants it mandatory, just to keep people from protesting.
Me: That's right.
German Teacher 1: Interesting.
German Teacher 2: Interesting.

Interesting indeed. It bugs the crap out me when I see stuff that is definitely the right thing to do, even when it in no way reflects reality.

And as far as safe tobogganing goes, when I was four a bunch of us were sliding where we shouldn't be (into a bunch of trees, very little stopping room). Good ol' Jeff P from down the street crashed into a tree with his face. He lost some teeth, broke his lips open and required a number of stitches. We all got in proper shit and weren't allowed to toboggan for quite some time. Jeff P was fine after a couple of days.

A helmet would not have prevented this accident. But as preventative measures go, the memories of bloodied snow, Jeff's torn-up face and the lecture I got were damned effective in ensuring the safety of my future adventures.

One last thing - every kid on the cup has a helmet that colour coordinates with their outfit. That's just stupid.

The Last Kiss, Part II

2007-12-07T21:42:00.000-05:00

What's bugging me today is me, because The Last Kiss was on again and I watched the last half. Why was I compelled to rewatch a movie that bugs me so much? I'm chalking it up to Casey Affleck. This time I noticed what a maniac Blythe Danner's character was. Who throws a half full glass at her husband in their bedroom? That would have made quite a mess to clean up later. Broken glass in a carpeted bedroom? Think of the shards! You'd pretty much have to buy a new bed and move.

I don't like watching messy things.

The Last Kiss

2007-12-01T09:41:00.000-05:00

This movie drives me around the bend. So angsty, so self-involved. Am I supposed to feel bad for Zach Braff? Is his waiting-on-the-porch-in-the-rain routine supposed to make me think he's really grown up? The only guy I felt bad for was Casey Affleck.

Which brings me to what bugs me the most - every female character is hysterical and stereotypical. I don't know any women who behave like these characters. I mean really, wielding a knife? Attending a wedding where your recent ex will be a guest, knowing it will cause a scene? Showing up at an older guy's workplace with a mixed CD? Suddenly wanting your tantric lover to meet your parents and become a boyfriend? Come on. Some of us have some sense about us.

Then again, if the only guys around me were insipid man-boys I might turn into a hysterical, knife-wielding lunatic too.

Fashion math: good + good doesn't always = really good.

2007-11-19T19:24:00.000-05:00

This weekend I supervised a group of teens at a conference that had a gala dance Saturday evening. Over 1000 teens were there, and most of them had spent the days leading up to the dance exchanging flirty glances, calling rooms at all hours, laughing too loudly (girls), looking aloof (boys), and tossing their hair (girls and boys). Looking good was the order of the night; dinner plans were skipped to maximize primping time.

I spent the evening in the hotel lobby thwarting attempts to hit downtown Montreal, and passed the time checking out what the kids were wearing. Teenagers these days have excellent hairdressers, and many know how to pick a shirt or dress with a great cut. Cute outfits were everywhere - but then the scene was ruined. She was about 16, wearing an age appropriate dress in a lovely colour and well-accessorized...except she was also wearing Uggs.

Ugh. Uggs with a pretty dress. I know she loves her Uggs, they're expensive and the thing to have if you're 16 (actually, they were the thing to have a few years back, but things are little slow up here in Canada). I looked around and noticed she wasn't alone. I saw at least 20 girls wearing Uggs with a party dress, and it looked terrible every time.

Girls, the only time it's appropriate to match Uggs with bare legs is with a jean skirt. Pass it on.

What about the men?

2007-11-11T11:38:00.000-05:00

I just saw a commercial for some type of all purpose cleaner, and it's premise drove me nuts. Basically, it's dad's turn to cook - he makes spaghetti, and a fantastic mess of the kitchen in the process. He's portrayed as a hapless idiot who can't seem to manage spooning the sauce onto the plate without spilling half on the stove. There are piles of spaghetti on the counter - how the hell did this happen?

Mom comes in, Dad shrugs and shoots a look that suggests "What can I say? I'm a hopeless fool, but I'm cute and I did my level best." Mom smiles, nods understandingly, and pulls out a bottle of all purpose cleaner and starts cleaning up.

Is it really acceptable for men to be portrayed as total idiots in this manner? What would happen if a car insurance company made a funny commercial portraying women as bad drivers? It would never fly. Women would be outraged. Emails pressing for a boycott would be endlessly forwarded to ten friends.

Gentlemen, stand up for yourselves. Start sending those emails to ten friends and demand accurate portrayals in commercials. Which brings me to the other thing that drives me nuts about the ad - it's completely inaccurate. That woman would have called her husband an idiot, thrown the bottle of cleaner at him, and he would have muttered "bitch" under his breath.

The seat is dirty because you peed on it.

2007-11-05T21:36:00.000-05:00

I'm at a conference for white collar professionals at a nice hotel near Toronto. Between sessions I went to the washroom and got a soaked bum because the person before me was I guess one of these people who, presumably, never sits on a toilet seat. Fine. You're wary of public toilets, and religiously do the hunched-over-hover even in nice hotels with clean toilets that are being used only by clean people. But you have bad aim, and even worse you're so slovenly you don't grab some toilet paper and clean up after yourself.

Next time, try and remember people like me, who are reasonable and make judgment calls in public toilets. Bus station? Hover. Bar at 1 am? Hover. Sears? Check seat first, then decide. Maybe I'll sit and maybe I'll hover. Nice hotel filled with professionals? Just sit, because I'm going to assume it's clean and dry, or at least that the person before me had the decency to tidy up.

But I guess that's the problem. I assumed, and you made a wet ass on me.

A hoodie is not a costume.

2007-11-01T17:48:00.000-04:00

So get the fuck off my step and go buy your own candy, you 15 year old chump.

Change your address

2007-10-31T18:59:00.000-04:00

If you move, change your damned address. I live in a house with a separate basement apartment, and we share a mailbox. In the five years I've lived here there have been five tenants, so now the mailbox is crammed with the mail of at least 10 tenants from over the years. Some of it is quite important mail - new credit cards, notices of overdue payments from dentists, and trade membership stuff, so I feel obliged to deal with it. I can't help it, I worry about these silly things.

Aren't these people looking for this stuff? Isn't anyone following up? I don't get it.

A subject line has a purpose: to tell the reader the subject

2007-10-16T12:00:00.000-04:00

See that up there? That's a good subject line. I'm going to be writing about subject lines, and you know it because it says so right there.

The subject line "Hi" is reserved for spammers. Don't use it if you want me to read your message, especially if the message actually contains important information; I probably won't read it right away. And if your message does contain important information, why wouldn't you use a better title? You're obviously going to want a reply, and don't you want reply messages to have a good subject line in case you need to find it again later?

Thanks for listening. I feel much better now.

Tippytoes, clue me in!

2007-10-14T10:01:00.001-04:00

When I've messed up, I want to know. I want to know what I did, why it was wrong, and how I can prevent it from happening again. Tell me. I can take it and I'm not going to hate you forever. Don't tiptoe around me, pretending all is fine.

The problem is our ridiculously oversensitive ways. It has somehow become unacceptable to set someone straight, even if they have done something really wrong. Someone might get their feelings hurt, and that just will not do.

I'm not advocating a society of a-holes where we go around ranting and pointing out niggly mistakes. I'm talking about letting someone know they've really let you down. I'm talking about having conversations (not arguments) that end well.

Because here's the kicker, we are letting others know we've been let down, but we're telling our partners and friends and coworkers, and not the actual person who messed up. It happens in workplaces and families all the time.

Is there anyone in your family or workplace that has let you down in a big way? Did you tell them? How can any of us do better in the future if we think the past was fine?

Give it away, give it away, give it away now.

2007-10-06T08:59:00.000-04:00

My work email system has a section for classified ads. I should also mention that my workplace is governed by labour representation; most people who work there have a generous salary, benefits and a pension plan.

It drives me absolutely nuts when I come across posts such as this one.

"Girl baby clothes, 6 months - 2 years. All in excellent condition, no stains. Roots, Gap, Children's Place, etc. Asking $25 per garbage bag."

Are you kidding me? That person can't need $25 that badly. $25 is such a poor return on a garbage bag full of name brand clothes in excellent condition that it can't be about the money. Why not just give the clothes to charity?

And that's just one post. There are new ones every day, and many of them are for baby stuff, always described as barely used, and priced far below it's original asking price. It is quite evident that the market for baby goods among wage earners at this level is clogged. Give the damn stuff away to charity, because there is certainly a market, but it's not being reached by this workplace classified ad system where cheap used goods change hands among those who need cheap used goods the least.

Better yet, don't buy it in the first place. But that's another post.

Fortunate ones

2007-09-24T21:53:00.000-04:00

I spend my days with today's youth, and I'm worried. Not in the usual "oh, these kids today!" curmudgeonly way, but I'm really worried for them because in many ways it isn't their fault how they are. They don't know any better, they're just acting how they've been raised. There is a perfect storm happening.

The media covers every terrible thing in such gruesome detail it's no wonder parents are rattled and hover around their kids. With every decision carefully managed - where to go, when to go, who to go with - many kids have no ability to make decisions. They always look to an adult for guidance.

Our society values pleasure over work. I know many parents of teenagers who don't want them to work because they feel their kids have their entire life for work, and right now it's play time. It is conceivable that these kids won't have a job until after university. Donut shops, record stores, restaurants and lawn care companies have for decades been the place where we learned the ropes of being a good worker bee.

Self esteem is overvalued. I'm certainly not advocating a society of a-holes but getting your feelings hurt, or being told you're wrong builds a little character. In fact, given our intrinsic selfish ways we generally don't learn until we've been burned a little.

The economy is good. If a kid is lucky enough to be allowed to work and they feel their boss is a bit cranky one day and hurts their feelings, they can quit and find another job the next day. Hopefully one with a boss who has been trained in the importance of building self-esteem.

Education has taught kids the product, not adherence to deadlines, is all that matters. This has taught them the value of coming up with excuses. Unfortunately, the product isn't better despite the extra time and excuses.

As a result, colleges, universities and employers have had to adjust their expectations. I'm sure this will lead to decreased productivity and innovation and economic downturn will follow. Business and society abhor a vacuum, and emerging economies will supply citizens with a desire to learn and blazing work ethic to fill the gap.

The poor kids, they won't know what him 'em, and it won't be their fault.

Can I have your attention at the front?

2007-07-03T16:54:00.000-04:00

This one is short and sweet. When you're the first in line at a traffic light, you have a responsibility to pay attention. When that left turn arrow comes up and you're searching your Sirius radio for a real sweet tune instead of going, a person four cars back has to wait until the next light. If you're second or third you'll at least see the cars in front of you moving to get your attention, so it's okay to get a little off task.

If you're in the front, keep your eyes on the light and your foot on the pedal. Thank you!

Clogged grocery aisles

2007-07-01T10:42:00.000-04:00

So I'm in the grocery store last Sunday afternoon, along with all the other 9 to 5ers who like to sleep in on the weekends. It's 3:30, the lines are long, and the kids who are in there should be napping. Doing groceries on Sunday afternoon is all business, get in and get out.

Every Sunday I come across the same thing - a retired couple, leisurely strolling the aisles. Picking up a can of soup, then checking the price and putting it back. Blocking the entire aisle with their cart, then looking annoyed when I (politely, always) ask them to move it so I can get around. Then trying to start up a conversation with me in the checkout line at the time of week I least feel like talking. I can tell they think I'm impatient. I probably am, because this is my time to get my groceries done before the next crazy week begins.

But not them! They can do this any time! Why are these folks in the grocery store on Sunday afternoon if they don't have to be? Why do they feel that 9 to 5ers are interested in chatting then? When I was a waitress I relished going to the grocery store on Tuesday at 10 am, when it wasn't busy and I was able to take my time. It bugs me that I'm made to feel like an impatient ass, when maybe they aren't choosing a very good time to strike up a conversation or clog a busy grocery aisle.

Long story long, if you don't need to be in a grocery store on a weekend afternoon, stay home. It just makes the whole operation run a little more smoothly.

Angelina, keep those puffy lips together

2007-06-30T20:40:00.001-04:00

Here's a recent post from the Internet Movie Database news section:

"Angelina Jolie was left floored by Brad Pitt soon after they first met because she thought he'd be nothing more than a good guy she could race motorbikes with on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith. The actress quickly fell in love with the Hollywood hunk, who was married to Jennifer Aniston at the time, and she admits she still can't believe he is "more man than any man" she's ever met. She tells style magazine Marie Claire, "I wouldn't have, from a distance, said, 'That's a man who would be an amazing, dedicated father,' or 'That's a man who truly loves helping people or whom I'd love to talk politics with.' He's a lot more than people assume he is." Jolie credits her partner for helping her overcome periodical dark moments in her life - just by listening to her. She adds, "I've had that problem in my life, where if I get emotional, I tend to just go (and) sit by myself. But he is a great listener, and he has given me wonderful advice."

Listen Angie, you sound like a real ass when you say these things to the media. All I got from this article was confirmation of your out-of-control ego. Seriously, outright saying that you didn't think someone was going to be interesting enough for you is arrogant as hell. Luckily for Brad, Angie decided that he was smart enough to talk politics with her. Get over yourself. As for others assuming that there's more to Brad than meets the eye, any mature adult knows that you shouldn't judge anyone until you really get to know them. Best of all, Brad is good because he indulges her navel-gazing and listens to her.

Notice Brad is silent in the media? I wonder what he has to say behind closed doors. I don't exactly feel sorry for him because of his general spinelessness, he morphs into whoever he's dating (Juliette Lewis - punk boy, Gwyneth Paltrow - J. Crew posterchild, Jennifer Aniston - bohemian, now this plane-flying, world-saving, baby-carrying version), but nobody deserves to have their partner spewing all this stuff out to the public.

Keep quiet about your man, Angie. It's the classy thing to do.

Individually wrapped prunes

2007-06-26T23:43:00.001-04:00

Are you kidding me? I just saw a commercial for these. A further sign of how wasteful we've become. Who eats just one prune? And if it is so necessary (it isn't) to wrap up servings for freshness, how about six or eight prunes, a much more reasonable number to be eaten at once?

Nope, we have to use up a whole damn pile of plastic so our prunes are fresh until the last possible second. What's next, individually wrapped slices of bread?

We are so arrogant and spoiled, using our valuable resources to wrap up individual prunes. It's crazy.

Call screening and the downfall of society

2007-06-25T17:57:00.000-04:00

For my first post I'll address something that has bugged me forever. Most of my friends and coworkers have already heard this rant, and the topic always initiates thoughtful discussion.

I believe call screening people you know is bad form. It's selfish and gutless. To be clear, I'm not talking about telemarketers. I mean looking at a number you recognize, deciding you'd rather watch the last ten minutes of a Seinfeld rerun you've seen 12 times, and then calling the person back. But nobody ever says "Yeah, I was watching the last 10 minutes of Seinfeld," it's always some little white lie, or some story of household confusion (I couldn't find the phone! I was downstairs!). Basically, these selfish asses want everything on their own terms.

But then what if I was a screener, and when they called back I did the same thing, because now I'm watching the last ten minutes of the next Seinfeld episode? Do we only talk to each other when it's perfectly convenient for both of us? Who is ever just sitting there looking at the phone and waiting for it to ring? Who can we count on?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating being like my grandparents, who were slaves to the phone and damn near killed themselves getting to it every time it rang. However, I think call screening says a lot about the direction we've headed in. As mentioned earlier, it's selfish. But I think it also points to a greater problem in our culture: we're gutless and oversensitive. If I call my friend and she wants to watch the end of the show, why doesn't she just pick up the phone, tell me that, then call back at a better time for her? The answer is obvious: she thinks it will hurt my feelings. It won't. When did this level of honesty become so taboo? Is telling lies better? Let's buck up a bit.

By the way, my phone rings often. People know I answer. I suspect the screeners may be lonely in the future, at least they will be if I have my way.